Stage 4 Cancer Diagnosis

Wow, three years later and I return to my corner of the web. After writing that last entry I turned my life around. I lost 100 lbs. I returned to the gym with the full intention of becoming a yoga instructor.

But then, my pain would not stop. I became constipated, groggy, tired and riddled with pain. Everyone around me said I was fine. Well, by the title you know I'm not.

I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer at 38 in August 2023. I had spinal surgery and am now on a walker full time. My good days are few, and I am on plenty of medications to try to slow the spread of the cancer.

Each day I feel a tiny bit better. Now most of my dreams I had when I started AM Yoga are gone. So, this site will change; ebb and flow as time continues forward.

Triggers

What was I looking for? This single thought stopped me in my tracks. Sadly, I put down the family-sized jar of peanut butter pretzels I was about to shove in my face. Eating these pretzels would not get me to my goal, and certainly would not make me feel better in the long run. Thoughts in my head began to swirl continuously; nothing I did mattered and everything I had worked so hard for was for nothing. I became distracted from my long-term goal and began again to think that food is the answer.

If nothing matters but today, and I value my time, what am I looking for? I was looking for comfort, peace, acceptance and love after a difficult work day. The ways I chose to cope weren’t working and the results were clearly obvious to me. My weight was out of control; I felt constantly fatigued and frustrated; No matter what I said or did no one could hear me. The ways I coped were maladaptive to having a productive and fruitful life. I knew my triggers thanks to some private therapy but now I understand I was treating them incorrectly. My coping mechanisms turned into its’ own machine; a self-serving and self-loathing cycle meant to simply placate by using external pleasures.

Please do not misunderstand; I thought these coping mechanisms were fine. I thought I was, “fine”. Yet now I want something more than “fine” . I want to be, excited for the day, joyful for when I am able to see tomorrow and stupidly humbled that I get another day to effect change. I know now, by using food and objects to experience pleasure I will never know peace, comfort, acceptance and love.

Therefore, what can I do instead if I will never know true peace if I use these things with a reckless disregard for the future to benefit today? My mind draws a blank as I sit here. My life used to revolve around food and coveting objects; I don’t see a way to define myself without them.

I’ll have to get back to you on how I will describe myself without titles, foods or objects.