Offering
My anger spat at the world today. Each time I was able to remember I only have so many more seconds to live, breathe and enjoy seeing the bright blue skies above me. My anger ebbed and flowed all throughout the day until at very end it all came crashing down. A perceived threat was going to “take” what I had earned. I became enraged. I waited four years for this opportunity and now someone was just wistfully thinking out loud of taking it all away. My ego took hold and I was nearly swept away until I came to my senses.
Is this the way I wanted to spend my day? My ego had taken this very small opportunity and made it the center of my universe. I sat down in my chair knowing the gravity of the situation; the other person in this conversation was oblivious to my realization. I travel from obsession to obsession. I ruminate constantly over these obsessions whether they are idle habits or life changing events. I constantly plan for each contingency worrying myself incessantly so I was tired before waking up in the morning. Each rumination I am consumed by, each one takes away my focus from one of my three life goals and purposes.
I was able to distract myself so easily in my day-to-day events which made a mess of my life goals. The other person in the conversation now long gone from my thoughts was leaving my classroom door. They were still picking and sore about my enraged take that I was not glad they were usurping me. I looked around my classroom as their shadow left and saw all my trinkets. All my possessions no one would want when I died. As King Solomon said, What is the Point? I picked up my bag and ran towards the door. I turned off the lights without a second thought and left. I wanted clarity, not petty distractions. I’m ready for the next chapter.
What possible offering could I make to the world, if I was just so wrapped up in my stuff?
Waking Up
I wake-up each day at 3 am. Sometimes I am greeted by the morning train, the sounds of my stirring neighbor or to a yawning puppy. Even the dog knows when we wake up in this family. We wake up at 3 am to fit in all that we would like to do. A few days in the mornings we go to the gym. Mostly we play games and simply hang out drinking lots of water. Yet this habit took months to take as before we were used to rushing around 5 am to get everything done. In the beginning it was a chore but developed into a lifestyle we enjoy.
Therefore, so is the same with this journey of my new paradigm shift. I wake-up still at 3 am but journal for a bit. I am able to empty my mind onto the page and possibly work through a couple of annoyances at the same time. Today I had to remind myself of why this paradigm shift will take so long and will be so difficult to accomplish. The road even to here has been a delight. My attitude at work is so much better, I can truly focus and I have all but stopped complaining. Now I just need the energy to get up and move. I know the only way to get there is through yoga. I stare at the gym membership and I stare at my computer where I know I can find my mantras and my routines. This feeling of being comfortable with this so uncomfortable life is hard to remove.
All I have is today and what I choose to do with my time. The time I use today will set me up for success in the future. I must decide and move towards something.