It’s a house, not a home
I am looking into stoicism. My temporary interpretation is the ability to look objectively at the world and your place within it. We live in a vast cosmos, filled with millions of galaxies twinkling thousands of light years away. We are certainly not the center of it and I’m glad not to be the orchestrator of it. I want to be able to think clearly, act kindly and be compassionate. I cannot accomplish this life goal while still being wrapped up in my own unconscious desires. My emotions at times take me out of my body and I become despondent. I agree during conversations because I feel like I have no other recourse, power and have objectively checked-out. Stoicism is the exact opposite in my estimation. Stoicism recognizes the world and its system as they are and adapts to them - if not by their sheer presence changes them. I want, for right now to adapt. Adapt and create a full life that is able to contribute positively and respond lovingly to others.
Creating a full life
The critical look at myself taught me that my internal life and dialogue slowly disappeared over time. In our twenties, I decided there was no time to play, explore or be adventurous because I wanted to focus on my career. I thought I wouldn’t have time to do any of my hobbies. Turns out, I barely had time for my husband as well. So over that time drifted apart but managed to find our way back to each other. As we now face our upper 30s together, we wonder about the legacy we will leave behind (with or without children).
The critical look at myself taught me that my internal life and dialogue slowly disappeared over time. In our twenties, I decided there was no time to play, explore or be adventurous because I wanted to focus on my career. I thought I wouldn’t have time to do any of my hobbies. Turns out, I barely had time for my husband as well. So over that time drifted apart but managed to find our way back to each other. As we now face our upper 30s together, we wonder about the legacy we will leave behind (with or without children).
Together we have decided to change and create the life we have only dreamed about. I dusted off a few old hobbies I used to enjoy before video games became a major constant in my life as an escape. I found my old library card and found out the online selection of books has dramatically increased! I’m currently reading Thrawn, a book set in the Star Wars Universe. I also found a small doodle/sketch pad to just let my mind wander and take a break from the modern everyday life. There is one difficult task I have incorporated. I need to increase my memory because sometimes I feel like I’m losing it. So now I started to play online sudoku and crossword puzzle games. I also have a few memory games I play.
I thought I wouldn’t have time to do all of these things. Each activity I do for a maximum of 15 minutes so I can get some regular household items done on the side. This blog though takes quite a bit longer, but I’m okay with that. Now, coming home does not feel like a chore but another place I get to explore what I truly want to do. I get to blog, doodle, read, and so many other activities now. Teaching is no longer a means to an end, but just the start of a very exciting day. I am so blessed I get to do three things that I love: writing, yoga and teaching.